Just the other day, I found myself quite exasperated with one particular loved one. I won’t name any names … but, she just kept calling and calling me.  At the time, I honestly didn’t know that she was calling me because I didn’t have my cell phone with me and I was not at home to hear my house phone. However, I did eventually get the text messages, missed call notices, cell phone voicemails, and yes…. even voicemails on my house phone. You would have thought there was some dire emergency. But, wouldn’t ya know… it was nothing at all really. I found myself a little annoyed as I listened to the very last message on my home voicemail “Shannon! WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS ANSWERING THE PHONE!?!”

<<pause>>

Reeaaally?! Seriously?! What is it with people nowadays.  It’s as if someone has committed a great injustice by not being available at any given moment of the day. Remember when we had beepers/pagers and we had to send our number to the device and actually… wait for the person to return our phone call?  Or, how about, when we would call someone on the phone and leave a message.  And then actually be content to waiting for them to call us back?!  Now THAT was true patience exhibited.  Well… not really, but you get my point.

I can’t help but find myself slightly chargrined when catching myself at least a little upset that I haven’t reached someone at the exact time that I desired to reach them. Quite perversely, I find myself more than a little peeved when the same person contacts me 5 times in a row over a trivial matter simply because they didn’t reach me on the first attempt.

It’s really no wonder that the average child walks around expecting to have their every desire fulfilled “now.”  Look what we’re training them up to be… and quite unconciously too. I think that I’ll start turning my devices off for at least 1 hour a day.  Truthfully, I’ve made this same resolution in the past… but I quickly abandoned it, horrified at myself with the reality that I just couldn’t stand to do it.  Like a child, avoiding nap time… I was nearly afraid that I’d miss something.

And what exactly could I possibly miss?.. nothing more than a bit of peace and sanity, is the truth. Ah, such is life.

I must have really, been going through a lot.  Wow!  It truly seems like I had those feelings way longer than a year ago. Well, I am pleased to say that I have definitely experienced the true healing that I was looking for. Abba has placed love and forgiveness in my heart to a degree that I did not know was even possible to expect from myself. My heart is happy and I am very thankful for everything!

I can’t wake up one morning without recognizing the blessings in my life.  My children, my job, my home, my LIFE, and oh-so important… my past. Honestly, sometimes we get so caught up in our own pity party and feeling sorry for ourselves and just plain lack of PRAISE!… that we fail to see what the blessings are that have been born of our trials. Thank you Abba for opening my eyes! And in such a gradual, enlightening way that I can’t even tell when this lightness in my heart began!  He is so AMAZING!

Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of hard times in my life still.  I mean truly, who doesn’t?! But I have learned that no matter how hard it is, there is no pleasure and no benefit in hanging your head… there is every reward in PRAISING the Lord through all of your circumstances.  Especially the ones that are negative. There is power in the tongue… speak positivity and Light into your life and those things will be yours.  It’s the truth!

I can’t believe that it’s been over a full year since I last wrote here. Plenty has happened since then. I set some realistic goals for myself for 2011 and I managed to achieve them all. I’m very proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. However, I think that I would not have been too down on myself if I didn’t complete each one. My major overall goals was for progression.

I’m starting 2012 with that same overall goal. Beyond anything else, I want to keep progressing forward. No backsliding and no looking back, unless it’s for further growth of course. Most important for me, is the budding true peace that I’m experiencing within my soul. At the beginning of last year, there was a disturbing feeling of unrest.  Honestly, it was like a tumultuous storm was brewing and then raging deep within me. I could barely stay afloat mentally and emotionally. But the good Lord is true and He sustained me.

There were many moments in 2011, when I wasn’t so proud of myself.  Whether it was words I spoke, choices I made, or simple thoughts… I knew that I needed to grab a hold of G-d and not let go!  And it was throughout 2011 that the knowledge of my deep relationship with Abba was further impressed upon me.  It’s funny to me how I can so easily forget how real G-d is or how amazing and faithful He is, but time and time again… I am amazed and awed by Him. Most of all, I am thankful

I’m looking forward to progressing through 2012 and being more than I ever dreamed I could be by the time 2013 rolls around. My life is His and each day that I wake up re-dedicating my life, my soul, my heart, my everything to Him… He leads me to victory!  Be blessed in 2012!… I’ll write you soon

… that’s my story. I’m proud of it actually… I couldn’t possibly be who I am today without going what I went through in my years of yesterdays

in Him, Shan

My husband and I decided, quite agreeably, to not encourage the fairytale of the Claus.  So, from the time our daughter (our oldest child) could inquire, we let her know that there was in fact no such thing as Santa.  Santa was actually derived from the history of Saint Nicholas, the patron saint.  Saint Nicholas is remembered and revered among Catholics and Orthodox Christians.  He was known for his secret gift-giving… from thus the Santa fairytale sprang.

This year, following her 6th birthday my daughter asked me how Santa would get into our house when we do not have a chimney.  I off-handedly re-inforced to her that there is in fact no Santa, to which she replied, “But I saw him in the mall and he was just on that commercial!”  By this time she had my full attention, although I was nearly speechless over what I had just heard my, praise song singing, prayer warrior, Shabbat school loving, daughter say.  So, I explained to her that what she’d seen was a man dressed up in a Santa costume like people dress up on halloween.  I also told her that Christmas actually means CHRIST time and that Christmas is indeed all about celebrating Jesus’ birthday and not about Santa coming to bring gifts.  She didn’t say anything after that.  I went back to the kitchen to finish cooking, but I couldn’t shake her dubious expression from my mind’s eye.

Then today, we had a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting.  During our mentor mom moment, I had a bit of a revelation of some sort.  The mentor mom of the month was cautioning us to be mindful of the message we send our children during this season.  Yes, those same children whom we as mothers are constant ministers to   She explained that our choices/our message may possibly have an effect on our children’s faith.  And later, during my bath time pondering, the magnitude of the well-developed commercial quality that now surrounds Christmas hit me square in the face.  I was mulling over the things that Mona (mentor mom) had said, and then I recalled the previous conversation with my daughter.  The holiday that a secular world had turned our “holy day” into was very successful indeed.  And it was displayed to me through the clean pallet of innocence which happened to be my child.  Many times I find myself looking at things or even participating in things that I consider to be quite harmless where my faith is concerned.  And time and time again… it has taken, me seeing what my child has gleaned from exposure to the same situation in order to, open my eyes to the harm in what I am participating in.  The prime example I’ll use is my decision to not watch certain music videos anymore.  Nothing spells reality like seeing your 2 year old gyrating to the latest hip-hop beats in the same fashion she saw the ladies (and I use that term losely) in the video doing… I mean really people… is this what you want your child doing?…  Anywho, I digress on that particular point.

I guess you could say I knew many years before I had children what my answer on the Claus would be.  I was always slightly baffled at the fact that my friends who did not confess Christ as their Lord and Savior would celebrate Christmas.  The truth was, it was a secular recognition of a time of giving and not the actual rejoicing in the gift that the Lord bestowed on the world… Jesus!  The secular recognition was not evil or negative so to speak… just distracting from the focus of Christ.

So, tonight I found my eyes wide open to a truth… My daughter is finding it quite a bit easier, or at least more sensible, to concentrate on Santa.  Santa whom she can physically see, rather than on Jesus who she has never had a physical glimpse of.  And I am smacked by the reality that my talk is worth nothing if my walk does not speak the same words.  What am I telling her by reinforcing this fairytale, which is indeed a lie playing into her life?  How is it enriching her life which is meant for the Kingdom first and foremost?  And if I am really honest with myself when asking, what Jesus would do?… the answer would certainly not be indulging in a lie of any sort.  Especially not one that focuses young, impressionable eyes on things of the world rather than the Kingdom of G-d.

I am not knocking other parents for what they choose pertaining to the question of the Claus.  I believe that each person should move according to what the Spirit is convicting or guiding them to do.  As for me; my heart has been moved to refocus my children and to keep turning their eyes to Him.  My eyes have been opened today to the pitfalls of going along with secularism even one inch and how it can take from the glory of G-d.  The battle wages on and I am happy with my answer!

Never did I imagine that Abba would hold me so dear to His heart.  The promises of the Lord are clearly written for us to see in His word, but how many of us truly believe them.  How many of us truly lean and trust in those promises.  Yet, time and again, we are held up by His grace and mercy.  Today my rabbi gave a wonderful message that really hit home for me.  It spoke directly to my heart and into my life.  It was one of those word’s in which I could hear my G-d speaking to me through one of His servants clearly.

I encourage you to discover and embrace your heritage as a believer in Yeshua through studying the heritage of the decendants of Israel.  This Shabbat is known as Shabbat Shuva… the sabbath in which the Lord calls us to return.  It follows Rosh Hashanna and preceeds Yom Kippur.  Right between the Feast of Trumpets (the New Year) and the Day of Atonement… the Lord cries out to us to return to Him.  Isn’t that fitting?  I had just been speaking with some friends about how this New Year needs to mean new beginnings for me; how I need to get my life in order and progress. Yet I was finding myself having a bit of trouble in keeping my eyes on the Lord.  Here I follow Him and I’m doing an okay job I think, then…  this person says to do this thing, yet they don’t even follow it themselves!  Oh, what a trap to fall into!  Focusing on how people that we term Bible thumpers create a double standard and practice selective witnessing; it misses the entire point.  We are all imperfect and so we are called , “therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them.”  -Matthew 23:2-3  Even when we see others who speak the word of G-d to us not following it… we should do as they say and not as they do.  Ultimately if we have the Spirit of G-d, we do know right from wrong.  If He’s speaking His word into our lives, should we not follow it on account that we don’t like the method in which it came?  It only hurts us in the end and places us farther from our goal in following Him.

These people have no clue what I’m going through or where I’m coming from because they haven’t walked in my shoes.  The verses they speak directly condemn themselves.  Or even… they chose to witness to me when they keep silent before the one who really needs to hear the word of G-d.  Those were the thoughts circling around in my head.  Thoughts that despite my love for the messengers, I was unable to shake off and move past.  So, during a time when I was getting so distracted by the chaotic hypocracy around me… the Lord gently pulled my focus back to Him.  I could hear His voice beckoning to my soul, “Shuva beloved.  I see and understand even when there’s not a soul of empathy in sight.  Shuva my beloved and I will heal You.  I will pour out my wealth of grace and forgiveness upon you if you will only return to Me.”  And now He leaves me with this choice to be made.  What will I do?  The answer is clear to me…

I could really use a physical presence to hold me and pour something back in.  To fill my tank.  After pouring everything, I have emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually into my children and my various responsibilities… where is my physical manna?  The Lord is pouring an endless stream of manna into my spirit.  But what about the physical, raw, right next to me presence that I yearn for.  I know that the Lord is always with me, but I can’t shake that fleshly yearning for a human presence.

I am, at this point, convinced that some of us are wired to have this physical need filled.  Not that we should become dependent on another human presence by any means; but there is an indelible desire within us for this companionship.  As a mother this need, I think, becomes intensified.  G-d gives us all we need spiritually and His provisions, of course, administer to our every day needs.  However, as mothers we are constantly being drained and need a specific support that was ingeniously planned ahead for through the two parent system.  The Lord clearly intended for children to be raised by two parents when He commanded that sex be inside of marraige only.

We, as women, have so many emotional needs that make us the magnificent creation that we are; full of the Lord’s grace, abounding love, passion… the Lord knew what would be required from us in the role of motherhood.  I believe that He intended parenthood to exist within the bond of marraige, in great part, as a provision for our needs to be met.  For us not to fall short.

But oh, how modern day relationships have strayed from the divine plan devised to avail us.  The extra work that now must be done to compensate for what is being constantly, steadily extracted, lest we find ourselves bankrupt.  And so our hearts weep in desperation and we are left feeling we need more than Abba can give us.  We find ourselves living outside of His will; whether by our own choices or against our own zealous will.  How do we reoncile this reality of bereft feelings with our deep abiding faith and love in our Savior?  The desires of the flesh cannot be reconciled with the needs of the spirit.

I love the entire idea and my heart was joyful with anticipation of putting this value and the ideas to work!  Then I heard a scream followed by cries… it was Bear, my daring 2yr old, ofcourse.  He had snuck out of bed (as is his daily naptime routine), and somewhere along the way, he hurt his foot while climbing back into bed.  *sigh*  So, I went into the room and checked his foot.  The foot was A – OK.  So, I tucked him back into bed and took to the task of reprimanding him for disobeying me by getting out of bed and playing.  He gave me the “saucer eyes” before bursting into tears (quite loudly).  I hushed him and gave him a quick kiss.  With a deep sigh I made my escape back to my own bedroom while muttering, “have a good nap,” on the way out.

Setting my book aside, I lay down on my bed and began to relax and reflect on my life.  I have so many blessings… great and small.  I couldn’t name them all or put my finger on them all, even if I tried.  Greatest of all is the blessing of the lives of all my children (aside from salvation of course).  Yet lately, I feel so much pressure in the position I find myself in.  If I were to give my current position a title… it would have to be “Single Married Mother of 4″ or perhaps… “Married Single Mother of 4″… you get the point I’m sure!  Under that title I am solely responsible, for the loving, nurturing, disciplining, consoling, rearing, caring, providing, protecting, and every other unthinkable or unmentionable need of a child, of each and every one of my children individually!  And on a day like today, the magnitude of my task hit me squarely in the face.  Such responsibility!

And as I pondered my position and thought of who may ever truly understand the weight of responsibility that I carry on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis…. I pictured my G-d.  G-d is the ultimate single parent!  What a realisation!!!  His bride is supposed to be helping Him speak Truth into this world and rear/direct the lives of all of His children… yet, she is off doing her own thing.  And with that thought came the lifting of the weight that I had felt.  Shame on me!  No pity-parties here!  What has been done to me and what I am going through is no different than what anyone else has suffered… not even different than what we humans do to our Maker and Master on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis!  The difference is… I’m not carrying this load alone.  And just as Elizabeth George’s book says, ”G-d’s assignment to mothers can sound overwhelming if we don’t remember that through His Word, in His power, and by His grace He fully provides all that we need to do what He commands.” (p. 145)

And how much more daunting the task can seem as a single mother if we fail to cling to this truth, His truth!  After these 2 1/2 years of being a “Single Married Mother”, I’ve learned to appreciate the hardships.  I do have my days of darkness when I feel that I can’t see up from down, but I am better for this taste of G-d’s work.  And the more of His work that I taste, the more that I like what I am becoming.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in me, but I have to remember to focus on the bigger picture and say thank you Father G-d for every lesson learned and thank you for the testimony that I now have to share!

Awful… I know *rolling eyes*  Well, I didn’t go that far today, but I did come close.  I got to the point where I was soooo frustrated and so upset that I just couldn’t even say a word.  I don’t know if it was the crazy state of my life, or the exhausting emotional year it’s been.  I’m not sure if  it was the ludicrous things that went on during our stay in PR or the fact that my two youngest were screaming and crying all day long in the agony of teething.  Or maybe it had to do with the fact that my 4 yr old and 5 yr old did much of the same moaning although they had no apparent reason to do so.  It may have even been the fact that I had to restore my computer a couple of times because dear Shiloh kept banging on my keyboard as soon as I made progress on a task.  Perhaps it was that Analiese insisted on speaking to me as though I were her child and she my mother.  But I’m really guessing that the straw that broke the camel’s back today was, the fact I got a total of 1 out of 9 things done by 5pm… and as the royal flush (no punn intended)… after a day full of Ezi wetting his pull-up, but managing to poop on the potty… when I finally let him wear underwear at dinner… he got up out of his chair stood next to my chair and proceeded to poop while standing there.  If that weren’t enough… he stepped in it, picked some up (to see how it felt I’m guessing) and then simply went back to his seat at the table and attempted to eat his dinner… but I caught him in time.  All of this occurred while I went to the kitchen to get some water… GREAT!  At this point, I was just speechless with despair.  Here I am all alone in the midst of this great mess with not a single soul in sight to help me!  And while I’m doing damage control: carrying him up the stairs held at arms length, spraying bleach on the floor and scrubbing… bleaching the chairs and table, attempting to contain the poop that I keep finding in every place imaginable, I begin to wonder to myself while trying not to have a nervous breakdown… “For real G-d… really Abba… is this what you have for me?”  When are things gonna calm down?  When?  I mean I’m gonna lose my mind if I don’t see a ray of sunshine in this storm soon!  I’m a strong woman, but really?

Needless to say… please pray for me.  I know that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle… but I am quickly losing my gracefulness!  HELP.  SOS G-d, SOS!