WARNING… the following is purely honest and comes from a deep part of me. The text to follow is actually my truthful reply in a letter that I wrote to a friend who, genuinely concerned, asked me how I was doing. When people ask me how I am, how I’m feeling, how I’m coping… I always say “fine”… below lies the truth of it. I am fine, but this is what I’m going through… Enjoy!
Honestly, when I look back at things, I’ve been raising my kids alone nearly since the day they were born. Manny was always on his own agenda and I am just faithful to the end. I tried to mend our family and make things work, but he just kept running so I had to let him go. I pray he changes for the kids’ sake at least and even for his own good. At times I really hate him for all of the awful choices he made although he swore to love me and be here forever. It just doesn’t seem fair that he helped build this family and now only wants to be around for fun times or when he feels like it. What pisses me off most is how it’s affecting my kids. Really, sometimes I think that just one time of beating his ass and his girlfriend’s ass would truly set me straight. … so, obviously I’m dealing with some serious anger issues. That’s what I struggle with most.. anger. And hurt and exhaustion. I am frustrated that I didn’t sign up to do any of this alone and now I find myself with extremely limited help at most. I do get depressed sometimes, but I have to keep my head up for my kids sake foremost. The devil is busy and has stolen our family, but I won’t allow him to steal my life or the life of my kids. Manny has given his life to the enemy and lives a useless existence willingly… I will not do this. I need plenty more time to heal and find true deep forgiveness and love. I just remind myself that I am loved and forgiven and I don’t really deserve it… so how can I judge if he deserves these things and who am I to withhold them from him. My gift of love and forgiveness to him can only do positive things for me… it can heal my heart to some degree and grow me as an individual so that my love for others can have no shallow depth.
… that’s my story. I’m proud of it actually… I couldn’t possibly be who I am today without going what I went through in my years of yesterdays 😉
in Him, Shan